Again with the gender thing...

[strangetomato]

Gender is weird, huh?

I've noticed that people on lj (and other places online, I assume) tend to make something of an issue out of people getting their gender wrong. Someone made a secret about me at one point, saying that they always thought I was a guy, and I wonder how they thought I was going to react to that. I don't really care. If anything, I think it's nice to be anonymously without gender on the internet, and I usually don't select a gender when given the option in profiles and such. If people don't know, then you don't have any of the baggage that comes with it. It's the same reason I use SO instead of husband. Husband feels like such a loaded term to me.

I see people rushing to correct people when they get the gender of a simmer wrong, whether it's themselves or someone else. I notice, too, that it's always males. That's not surprising. It makes sense, given the predominantly female nature of the sims fandom (and fandom in general). We're going to assume y'all have ovaries unless we're told the difference. But why is it so important to correct people?

I was curious about it, so I thought I'd ask (rather than make a simsecret or some such nonsense). For those of you that have done it (and I know a number of people on my flist that have), why do you feel the need to inform people that you or someone else is a male? Note that I'm not here to pick a fight or anything of the sort. I'd just like to hear your side of it.

(Oh, and... for the record, fanseelamb is a female. :P This one seems to come up over and over again.)

And another thing...

I've always been one of those people that tries to be conscious of the gendered messages I give to children in the way I talk to them, like not telling girl's they're "pretty" while telling boys they're "smart" and crap like that (which people do ALL of the time, if you listen to them), but then I noticed I was treating Petey (my first male cat) in a distinctly different way than his big "sister," Suki. How much of that is personality, and how much of that is me projecting? (He's a total Momma's boy, by the way. :P) It's crazy how we slip into these things. The cats are both spayed/neutered, so it's not like they even have any sex-based behaviours to speak of. And they're cats! Do they even have gender?

What do you think? Have any thoughts or interesting stories to share?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I would have been more angry at myself for giving them the information necessary to mock me. I enabled them.

That's ridiculous. By that line of thought, people in the LGBTQ community shouldn't come out because that's enabling people to mock them. I realise you don't think that, but what you're saying logically implies something more serious.

What you said about choice was offensive to me, as someone struggling with mental illness. I go to therapy, which is a "choice", but things are still tough and, yeah, sometimes it's hard not to let my mind rule me.

The fact that you think I shouldn't let my mental illness "control my actions" shows that you are privileged. Honestly, I don't know that much about you, but I still think it's fucking ridiculous if you don't consider yourself privileged. You are a white American male, I'm assuming without any crippling illness, mental or otherwise. That is so much better than most people have it. It's the definition of privileged. The fact that you don't think you are is just even more annoying.

You're young, you have a lot to learn. Just try not to be so closed-minded.

[simsinthecity.livejournal.com]

What you said about choice was offensive to me, as someone struggling with mental illness. I go to therapy, which is a "choice", but things are still tough and, yeah, sometimes it's hard not to let my mind rule me.

I know it's hard because I've got mental problems myself. To be honest, for me specifically, not knowing that I had any problems (I thought I was different but not for any medical reason; and I've never been formally diagnosed, but I do read up on these things and I'm fairly sure of some of these things.) and being treated like any other person, helped me to overcome it, a little bit. I don't know how I would be if I had been diagnosed and received therapy, so I can't speak about that, but if it works for you, that's good. I don't like to hear that anyone has those sorts of problems, so any way a person can find to overcome their struggles, I support.

The fact that you think I shouldn't let my mental illness "control my actions" shows that you are privileged. Honestly, I don't know that much about you, but I still think it's fucking ridiculous if you don't consider yourself privileged. You are a white American male, I'm assuming without any crippling illness, mental or otherwise. That is so much better than most people have it. It's the definition of privileged. The fact that you don't think you are is just even more annoying.

I've never thought of that as a really big privilege because I don't live in an environment where I see that as being made to be a big issue. Where I am, I don't see people being discriminated against based on those things. Maybe if you knew that, you wouldn't be making assumptions on my situation and reprimanding me for it.

You're young, you have a lot to learn. Just try not to be so closed-minded.

I know that.

I'm active-minded. I do receive new ideas and consider them. I don't think I've ever said to anyone that I would reject their idea without studying it carefully. I am willing to accept new things, but I do hold firm convictions about right and wrong and I do like to think out new ideas thoroughly before I throw out my old ones.

[strange-tomato.livejournal.com]

I'd just like to jump in here to say that recognizing that you have a position of privilege in the world at large is not necessarily accepting blame or being reprimanded for that (we're all born into our situations without much choice in the matter), but it's acknowledging that we do have things easier than others.

We're not always aware of our own privilege, but I think it's fair to say that (nearly) everyone in this thread is privileged in one way or another. I know I am. I think it's important to be aware of that so we can be grateful for the things we could easily take for granted, and to remind ourselves to consider the struggles of those who do not have it as easy as we do.

As for the mental illness, we don't have to get into any details, but if you weren't formally diagnosed, it's probably safe to say that you weren't as seriously affected by it as someone who was. That's not to say that you didn't go through a difficult time, but you can't really compare it to the experience of someone who required medical attention. It's just not the same.

And self-help does work for some people. I've been successful with it, to varying degrees, at different points in my life. But it's not enough for a lot of people.

Anyway, I appreciate your last statement. It's always smart to question your beliefs and evolve them over time. Bringing a new idea into your life doesn't always mean throwing out the old one completely. Often you can adapt your old worldview to the new information, making the whole picture a little clearer and less rigid.

You've been getting into this discussion pretty deeply, which I appreciate, but try not to worry about coming to a definite conclusion at the end. It's not a debate in the sense that someone is going to win the argument. This is complicated stuff, and we're far from having hard and fast answers. Our knowledge is always shifting and expanding. It's one of the reasons I find discussions like this so fascinating.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you very much, as always you articulate what I'm thinking so well.

This is a great discussion, thanks for posting this entry.

[simsinthecity.livejournal.com]

Like you say, since I hadn't thought of it before as that big a privilege, I never really thought to acknowledge it.

I guess if you're saying that there are people worse off than I am, that's pretty bad. I do go through difficult periods, but for the most part, I'm better off now. I think having been told "hey, you might have a problem" has helped me to teach myself not to do some of the same things I did before, but I still get a lot of recognizing that I could have handled something better, two seconds after my reaction. That's probably why I'm getting so wound up by the pressure of this discussion.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, if you were able to overcome your mental issues in any way without therapy, they're probably not that bad. I'm not saying you're lying, and certainly any sort of mental or emotional instability is difficult to deal with. But, trust me, as someone who goes to therapy and is on medication, life is still difficult. It's not a "choice" whether I function in society or not. Our culture is built so that a very narrow group of people succeed, and people like me aren't in that range. Like it or not, that's how it is, and I don't appreciate the inference that it's my choice whether or not I go about life like "normal" people do.

As strange_tomato said, I don't mean to imply that it's bad for you to be privileged, nor am I reprimanding you. I do think that you should recognise that you are. You're right, I don't know much about you, but what you have is better than many, many people. It's great that people aren't discriminated against for those things where you live, but that just means that your community in general is pretty privileged. Look at the world around you: there is poverty all over the place, broken families, and a staggering number of people suffer from mental disorders. Of course there are people better off, and maybe you're average relative to your community, but relative to the world at large you're very lucky. I just think you should appreciate what you have. :-)

I hope you don't think I'm attacking you or trying to be mean. I'm not. As someone suffering from diagnosed mental disorders, and as someone whose sexuality doesn't fit on the usual spectrum, this post (and especially your comments) struck a chord with me. I appreciate that this is new territory for you and not necessarily something you're completely comfortable with discussing - this is all just another perspective from someone in a different situation, something to think about.

[simsinthecity.livejournal.com]

No, it's not that bad. I don't know many people with such severe issues as that, so compared to the "normal" people around me, with no problems that I can see, I thought I had it hard.
But one thing I have experience with is parents who haven't done the research on what they and I think I have, so they don't always realize that my anxiety in public and temporary loss of temper control aren't intentional, and they treat me like a little kid for my "little kid actions" and expect me to behave like someone not afflicted with anything so bad.
(Which really puts things into perspective. If you're telling me there are people worse than I am ... wow.)

Since I've never had it pointed out that I've got such a big privilege, I haven't had the chance to recognize it, really.

Once again, I do appreciate the value of new points of view. Even if I do still disagree when I'm done discussing this, the chance to work myself into a better mindset is something I value.

[(Anonymous)]

You do have it hard, compared to what's considered "normal", and I'm very sorry about what you've gone through.

Yes, there are people who are worse off, though it's difficult to compare. My problems aren't like yours, but they make it difficult to live the way most people do. Some days I don't want to wake up (and not because I'm lazy - just depressed), some days the thought of even going out to do the grocery shopping makes me feel physically ill, human interaction is often very difficult for me. I suffer from a range of anxiety and emotional disorders. As I said, it's hard to compare, though, since we are going through such different things. And I don't mean to make this a contest either. :-) It's not about who has it worse; I'm just hoping that sharing a bit about myself will open your eyes to some things you may not otherwise have been aware of.

I don't think we are particularly disagreeing at this point as much as discussing. I can see that you were ignorant to some things (which is understandable, we're all ignorant to some things!), and I just hope I've opened your eyes a bit. We tend to have a very narrow view of the world, so it's nice to have someone else's perspective sometimes. Thank you for considering what I say and not turning this into a flame war.